Today has been challenging ...
Technically it is a very normal day. I am sitting in my lovely apartment with my wonderful cat, Vince. We have heat and power and the sun is shining outside. I have food in my fridge and no bills have begun to pile up yet. I have been working on a volunteer project which is slow but progressing nicely. Technically the only cloud in my sky is this never-ending cold which I continue to attempt to alleviate with "Buckley's". Nevertheless, this has been a rather challenging Sunday for me.
There are moments when I want to walk into a hospital and ask if I can please stay for a few days? I do not actually want to go and stay in a strange hospital room. However, sometimes the only image that offers relief to me is handing myself over to someone else and ask if they can drive for a while. I don't feel like I'm doing that great of a job these days. The lack of income is very stressful and the job search has been difficult. Often I find myself "stuck" to my chair. This probably sounds bizarre, but I simply don't feel like I can stand up, let alone get dressed and go outside. I feel so small and I realize that I have been losing weight as my appetite has completely gone. Not even my favorite foods can make my mouth water.
It's hard to articulate how I am feeling to anyone. I don't really feel that I can. I am afraid that my husband will become fed up with me - this time for good. As though our relationship is all hinging on one more episode of depression. I don't want to scare or worry anyone, but most of all I don't want to frustrate people. Instead of trying to describe this feeling, I often keep it inside and secretly worry if I'm going crazy.
The thing is, I have a hunch that I'm not completely alone in feeling this way. Especially during a job hunt, or during the holiday season. My challenge is to continue to remember how good everything else is in my life and to take a break from the money worries and financial stresses.
Easier said than done, but a worthwhile challenge indeed:)
You are definitely not alone in feeling this way. But, you know what?! You're not giving up. You are trying, and in doing so you are conquering your depression, bit-by-bit. You took the time to write this today and I think that is something in itself.
ReplyDeleteEvery little step is really a giant one.
Mieke, considering how difficult life has been for you guys lately, I'd say you are doing alright. A lot of people would not be able to handle anything you've been through. You're not crazy either. I can relate to a lot of it. Keep blogging!
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