Why I write ...

This evening I read a comment from a fellow blogger. 

I do not know this person and had not previously read his/her blog. The comment essentially advised me to comment on other's blogs so that my own blog would be read and be "taken more seriously". I didn't know how to respond or how to react to this comment, other than to feel a bit naive about blogging in general. I've never written a blog and I don't subscribe to any blog on a regular basis. If I have something to say, I write it or (eventually) say it. I don't comment for the sake of filling up space, or putting in my 2 cents, or ... whatever other reasons there may be. Nevertheless, this comment did make me begin to question (again) why I am writing this blog.  

I began writing this blog because I was asked to blog about my experience as a "Virtual Walker" for The Walk for Depression Awareness. I continue to write this blog because I believe in the importance of speaking out about depression and anxiety. This does not mean that I am in any way a model for how to live with depression and anxiety. I screw up, I stay in bed, I refuse to exercise and I have in the past, used alcohol to cope with the pain and hopelessness. There are times when I am probably very hard to deal with or to reason with. I understand that there have been many conversations that were incredibly frustrating and disappointing for both myself and my friends and family members.
I remain a work in progress.

I firmly believe that what held me back from seeking treatment and accepting mental illness as a "real" illness was the lack of communication about this disease. I believed that people who had depression were crazy and weak. Because of my own stigma against the illness, I refused to get help and insisted that I could manage this on my own.

I am writing, not because I believe that I am a great writer or have any special insight, but because I live with this day to day and I want others who suffer from depression and anxiety to realize that they are not alone and there are others who are finding a way to live with this on a daily basis. That it is possible, and that they are not crazy.

My sister sent me Christine Stapleton's blog nearly a year ago. I remember reading it and breathing a sigh of relief. It's funny, sensitive, well written, and honest. It was an incredible eye-opener for me and is one of the few times that I am moved enough to post a comment now and then:)

http://www.christinestapleton.com/ 

Highs and Lows ...

Tonight was very humbling ...

Despite everything that I've been through, despite my blog that I write on depression, despite my participation in The Walk for Depression Awareness, I still have immense trouble dealing (accepting) with the depression when I am very depressed.

For the past four days I have stayed inside the apartment, searching for jobs. Searching for jobs is a very isolating process. Sending resume w cover letter out again and again and again ... and hearing nothing back ... becomes discouraging. At the beginning, I felt hopeful and optimistic. I feel that I have developed many skills in the past 4 years, and I thought that my potential would leap off of the page. My phone would be ringing off the hook! The emails were sure to come flooding in, asking for me to consider working for them! (or at least inviting me for an interview). Needless to say, this hasn't been the case.

The stress of trying to secure much needed employment and the combination of living in a new city without knowing anyone began to take it's toll. Slowly, rather than leaving the apartment and going to the gym, I began to stay inside and spend the entire day searching for new job postings. I stopped dressing for the day and stayed in my pajamas. I abandoned a schedule in favor of staying inside the safety and comfort of my apartment and withdrew from society. Basically I chose to ignore the things that can help to alleviate depression or at least better manage it day to day.

I usually write for this blog when I'm doing really well, or at least feeling optimistic. Today, I'm not doing so great. Today was difficult, and I imagine that tomorrow will be the same. I have to dig deep to push myself just to get dressed, to walk around the block, to dare to go inside a coffee shop and buy a coffee.

I know what it is like to read the advice on a depression website and to feel so overwhelmed that it is impossible to follow through with it. I know what it is like to feel hopeless and alone. I know how it feels to be too embarrassed to tell anyone how you are doing so you avoid reaching out and making contact.

Point being ... we all fall down. We are human. Don't give up.

Give yourself a Break ...

Very recently I moved across the country to join my husband in Winnipeg. I mistakenly thought that it wouldn't shake me as I had just moved back from the States therefore, I was "used to moving".

It is true that, with my husband's help, I've become quite good at wrapping dishes, taping boxes, and keeping an inventory of what we've got and where it is. We are veterans of U-Hauling it ourselves and the rather tricky business of hiring and negotiating with movers. I have also now experienced traveling with an animal (thank goodness that Vincent is such a patient flyer).

I told myself that because I had made a big move before, it would be easy this time. I projected onto myself exactly how I would feel and behave when I arrived. It was certainly how I wanted to feel and act; proud and confident and certain. The pressure that I had placed on myself even before stepping onto the plane was too much and a perfect set-up for disaster. It was also completely unrealistic.

My mistake was to ignore what I already know, what I have already learned based on experience; I find moving difficult.

Finding new friends, finding a job, learning the bus route, finding the coffee shop, etc. Even navigating my way around the downtown YMCA branch was unsettling. I enjoy the unfamiliar, but only in small doses. I envy those that can take change more in their stride and embrace it. I take a little longer and find it a little harder. It doesn't mean that I'll stop working on it, but I hope that I can be more patient with myself. If I can stop telling myself how I "should" be and begin to accept how I am feeling ... this process might go a little smoother.

Please try to give yourself a break today :)